12 Food Expectations And Their Accompanying Reality

The lesson here is don't fall for that Food Network bullshit, and keep making beans and rice. God damn, I love beans and rice.

#1 Making Croissants 

#2 This Lying Berry Loaf

#3 These Deviled Egg Chick Things

 #4 This XXL Cheeseburger

 #5 This Crepe Cake

 #6 This Cake

Except it turned out pretty okay. Not sure why it's here. Maybe to remind you to be positive. Be positive! It's not just a blood type!

 #7 These Expensive Enchiladas That Are Actually Pretty Good

 #8 This Dog That Looks Like All The Crappy Ripleys In Alien Resurrection

Was that her name? Remember, she has the eight on her arm and then she finds all the half-assed ones and torches 'em? Good movie. 

 #9 This Tardis That Time Forgot

 #10 This Soup In A Bread Bowl

 #11 This Chocolate Hedgehog

 #12 Looks Like I Only Had Eleven. Here's A Makeup One. Pretty Close.

Top 12 Memes About The Shutdown

#1 Bender's response

#2 American Eagle Doesn't Care For Petulance

 #3 A Briton's Perspective

 #4 Clinton Is Cool With It

 #5 Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit

#6 This Puffin Recognizes Irony

 #7 An International Perspective

 #8 Morpheus Has A Minor In Poli Sci

 #9 But What Survived?

 #10 This Guy Is A Cock

 #11 Picard Is Incredulous

 #12 Finally, Farnsworth

7 Cute animals tattoos

#1 A clover eating cow

The cow this picture was originally based off is now dead.

 #2 Panda with bamboo

It's skull has been bashed in. It holds the bamboo as a primitive tool for defense

 #3 Frog on stick

That stick is brown white and red. Don't know what's going on there.

 #4 Guinea pig and roses

 If this person ever uses her left foot to kick, that guinea pig will think another guinea pig is running at him while carrying a rose and wearing a rose.

 #5 Octopus losing her shit

This octopus is out of control. Chill out, octopus. Oh, wait, it's a tattoo. Everyone keep doing what you were doing.

 #6 Robot with nothing on TV

It sucks that the photo this robot was drawn from was taken just as it was changing channels. Or maybe that was on purpose. That would be hard to time.

#7 A Cute Little Dude

Not really sure what's going on here. Some sort of pokemon, or something. I spend a lot of time in a small room talking to no one. That's how I like it.

14 cute-ass goats

#1 Skating goat

You know what is cute? Animals doing human things. Here's a goat skating.

#2 Goat skating human

This goat is skating a human, and the other goats are like, "let me skate that person." That's the life of a goat: skating and yearning.

#3 Baby goat napping in Lena Dunham's arms

This isn't actually Lena Dunham, and that's not actually a goat. It's a regular goat that has been photoshopped. 

#4 Trampoline goat

That's not actually a trampoline, but this is a listicle of cute goats. You didn't come here for the science. You came for the goats.

 #5 Goat riding in a car

This goat isn't wearing her seatbelt, because the vehicle is stationary, because she's a baby goat, and baby goats ain't got nowhere to be.

 #6 Goat that hates cops

This goat wrote a 'zine entitled ACAB: All Cops Are Bastards. The goat was arrested for assaulting a police officer with a deadly weapon, and his bail was set at sixty-thousand dollars. The charges were later reduced to disturbing the peace, then hooliganism, and finally to loitering. The goat is bringing the decision to appeals.

 #7 Goat defending buckets

What are in the buckets? Nothing. They are empty buckets. The goat isn't into property rights as much as he's into starting shit. This goat is an asshole, and nipped my dog with her creepy human teeth. I hate this goat, but damn is he cute.

 #8 Goat hugged by dog

This goat is named Cynthia, and the dog Horse. They have known each other for two years, and met in law school. Horse is now working for a tech company based in Boulder, Colorado, and Horse failed the LSAT the first time though plans to take it again in the Spring.

#9 Goat family

If you just saw that one goat, you'd think it was a baby. That's why those other dudes are all up next to it. For scale.

 #10 Goat in dishwasher

This is a goat, not a dish. It doesn't want to be in the dishwasher when it is on, or anything, it just thinks small spaces are interesting, and spends a lot of time hanging in small spaces, looking for small spaces to hang in, and thinking about hanging in small spaces.

 #11 Goat with concerned dog

This dog left thinks she left the iron on. It's cool. It's one of those fancy irons that goes off after ten minutes if you leave it alone. Also, there is no iron.

#12 Goat held by small child

This goat was grown in the small child's laboratory. This would be very impressive if not for the fact he was going for a chicken.

 #13 Goat by orange soda

I was paid forty dollars to post this by Pepsi Co. Drink Pepsi.

 #14 Optical illusion goat

This is a regular sized goat up close. It was my desktop background for most of 2012.

5 Alcohol-related life hacks

#1 Hide a can of beer in a fast food cup

Want to get smashed in public without getting caught up with those ridiculous public container laws? Well, you can always put a can of beer in an old McDonald's cup, you fucking lush. 

#2 Mark your beer by tearing lable

Too drunk to remember whose beer is whose? Tear a small piece of the label off to mark your beer as yours.

#3 Smuggle liquor in bread

Want to get drunk at a public festival? Of course you do. This useful jpeg shows you how to hollow out a french roll and fill it with booze, though personally I prefer to smuggle liquor in my stomach.

#4 Cool a pitcher of beer with a cup of ice

So, somehow you and your friends have drank slow enough that a pitcher of beer has reached room temperature before you can drink it. Are you going to drink that Miller Lite warm? What are we, philistines? No! You are going to float a solo cup full of ice (I keep solo cups of ice in my satchel, good for cooling) in that thing to make that shit palatable.

#5 How to open a beer if you only have a chainsaw, flute, or one of twenty four other silly objects

It's a video